How to be German in 25 easy steps -Part 1

I just found this amazing website, written by an English dude living in Germany
and I couldn't stop laughing.
He's right!
Not 100% right, but every German find him/herself in this or at least someone they know.


how-to-be-german-in 25 easy steps-part-1

#1 Put on your house shoes

here I'm part of the exception. I hate house shoes. I love bare feet. running around my own apartment dressing however I like, don't know what I'd do if my house was completely tiled (maybe thick socks instead?), but no house shoes. They remind me of old people, my grandpa always had his house shoes next to the bed,next to his lazy boy chair when he took a nap.

Maybe that's the reason why house shoes always make me think of old people.

#2 Eat a long breakfast

For my parents' birthdays, mother's day, Easter  we kids always made a big breakfast. I went to the bakery to get fresh rolls, boiled eggs, brought all cold cuts, marmalade/jam,  honey, Nutella (you can't have breakfast without Nutella!) etc to the kitchen table, made coffee...It's a family thing.

Now that I'm grown up, I don't mind that anymore unless we get special guests or something.

When I have a job, it's already hard to get up in the morning, I usually take a sandwich with me to work, but I can't eat in the morning. Blergh.



#3 Planning, Preparation, Process

I hate preparation, but if I have to do something -move to another country, plan a business trip, I do it right...my best friend is a list.

#4 Get some insurances

The first time living outside my parents home, I only had the minimum insurance, just in case I damaged something in the apartment, burnt down my household effects. (and you can't have a job or anything in Germany without health insurance, no one would take you as a worker if you weren't insured)

But i felt uneasy. 

-what, if I get sick and can't work anymore? -a disability insurance would be nice.

-what if the public pension won't be enough? -a private pension insurance would do the trick.

-what if my cell phone gets stolen or breaks? -a cell phone insurance would take care of it.

Germans basically have the Aflac commercial running through their heads nonstop when it comes to insurances.

#5 Dress seriously

We have mothers who are always yelling to get our coats on outside just in case it gets cold. And don't forget an umbrella!

We are 'just-in-case'-people. And that's not only about clothing.

My handbag is so full it's like carrying a corpse with you everywhere you go.

-just in case you or someone with you gets a headache, take painkillers with you.

-maybe you'll have an upset stomach, take some Prilosec/Omep with you.

-what if you get hungry, maybe put some snacks in.

-low sugar, take some candy.

-thirsty. need some water/juice/coke.

-the trip gets boring, take a book.

-miss your family, bring pictures.

-cut your finger, bring band aids.

-dirty bathroom, take desinfectant.

-dry skin, need hand lotion.

and those are just the extras besides makeup, keys, cell phone, wallet...

#6 Speak German

German is hard. Especially for foreigners.

But in a way Germans are like the French, if you're a tourist and try to speak some German, they love you.

If you try in your language or in English  many think you just don't take an effort or try to play dumb.

People in general are stupid.

*shrugs*

We all had English at school, a minimum should be possible.

But you still have people -especially young ones- in stores, salons, on the street, who'll look at you like a deer in headlights when something not-German comes out of your mouth.

#7 Get some more qualifications

In Germany, if you're an idiot, you have to have a paper stating that you are.

No one cares if you can speak a certain language -if it's not your native language or you have a paper stating that you can, no one will believe you.

In Germany everything works with college qualifications or apprenticeships (which usually take 3 years work and vocational school, you have to take a test at the end to prove you're fit to do the job you apprenticed for).

If you get a job without that, you only get minimum wage (waiter, call center, bar maid, cleaning crew...) or you're a student with a side job. Your boss won't pay for part of your health insurance either and you won't get paid vacation time.

#8 Obey the red man

Germans don't follow aaaaalll the rules. 

The English are happy to stand in line all day long, Germans hate it with a passion.

Some cheat, some start complaining for another checkout counter after less than 3 minutes.

But yes, if you don't wait for the light to change, most will yell at you or think you're a rebellious teenager and a bad role model for little kids.

9. Drink Apfelsaftschorle

For me now living in a strange country and trying to cope with it, it's diet Coke.;)

You can't go wrong with diet Coke, it takes the same everywhere you go.

The orange, apple and cherry juices in the states completely freak me out. Nothing tastes as it should.

Cherry juice is made from tart cherries, sugar, sugar substitute or whatever is added, but it's tart. 

Orange juice -especially the ones that are refrigerated, have to taste fresh and have some acid and are mostly made from navel oranges.

If you drink non-carbonated water, most Germans immediately think of tab water (which is perfectly fine to drink in Germany by the way, no filter or anything needed).

Which automatically makes them think of tough times, having no money for other beverages...

So yes, carbonated water is 'classic'.

#10 Eat German food

Can't say it's not right.

But no, not all Germans eat sausage and sauerkraut and ham hock all day long.

-especially not sauerkraut on a freaking hot dog, we prefer our hot dogs Danish style, thank you very much. (ketchup, mustard, hot dog sauce/remoulade, fried or fresh onions and pickled gherkins -where, oh where can i find pickles in the state of Pennsylvania that are not dill or ridiculously sweet???)

That's what's so disappointing about German restaurants in the states.

No, not every dinner includes red cabbage or sauerkraut or spätzle for goodness sake!

We don't eat schnitzel every day!

And what you call Wiener or Frankfurter or Nürnberger is a sacrilege!

So that's it for today, part 2 comes in a bit :)


http://hairandcultureshock.blogspot.com/2013/01/how-to-be-german-in-25-easy-steps-part-2.html

http://hairandcultureshock.blogspot.com/2013/01/how-to-be-german-in-25-easy-steps-part-3.html

Nothing tastes as it seems

The first thing ever that I ate in our brand new apartment(house!) was Sicilian pizza.
Which we ordered -a classic self made family dinner (i mean, the hubby called the place all by himself and they made our food, so it's halfway right ;D).
They told me, it had 'a bit more' dough than a normal pizza.
-I thought they meant one of those weirdly thin, cookie-ish(means rock hard and crumbly bottom), flat, tasteless New York pizzas, so I decided more dough sounded just right, right?
HA!
A Sicilian pizza is as high as our remote control is wide! And it's just the dough -the toppings are the same bit of sauce, bit of cheese yada-yada as on any other pizza!
We could have fed a whole village with that one sheet of...bread (the non eaten rest stayed in the refrigerator for ages cause no one wanted to eat it) -and then chew and swallow the whole shebang!

So I tried a plastic cup (that's what we had in form of china and flatware in the beginning: paper plates, plastic cups -and plastic forks, knives etc that tried to look like metal, at least they tried...) of tap water as I did in Germany every day and never put a thought to it.
Let's say it didn't go down that well. I thought I drank from the public pool. Chlorine has an interesting after taste.
Thank goodness we have a filter for our drinking water now.
In Germany you can drink from tap any time. Not so much here if you don't have your own well in your garden somewhere in the wilderness.
I had some nice red stinging eyes from taking a shower in New Jersey once -yes, there are worse areas when it comes to water.

Next thing was shopping for food.
We have a Target and a ShopRite in walking distance.
In Germany we went shopping about every other day, always buying fresh veggies, some meat depending on what's on sale that day. We didn't have 30 different kinds of milk there (and it doesn't need to be refrigerated, dammit!), but they have everything you might need.
Our bread came from the bakery across the street.
In the US they have something called Wonderbread (ok, there are other brands, but they all have the same kinda textures and ingredients) which is sticking to the roof of your mouth when you chew, you can't hold the loaf in one hand because it's so...'fluffy' you squish it into nothingness easily (press the whole loaf together and it wont be bigger than two packs of cigarettes).
And it's sweet! Blergh. High fructose corn syrup is usually third on the list of ingredients (after flour and water) in all breads you can buy in a normal store.
Try putting Salami on it. Blergh, blergh, bleerrrrrgh.
After a couple of weeks of eating whole wheat sugar bread (it taste almost like German raisin bread without raisins) with jam or NUTELLA (whoever exported Nutella to the US, thank you, you'll make a fortune on me)  we finally found a bread that I could -at least- live with texture- and taste-wise: Jewish rye bread.
Which goes bad after 3days in your kitchen drawer. We can't have it all...

PS: On a side note, there is rye bread and then there is rye bread. Apparently you can't just buy any rye bread because Americans think it's their duty to dump huuuge amounts of caraway seed into their rye bread dough. Tasty if you're Middle Eastern i bet, gagging if you're just little old German me.