Monday, April 29, 2013

Self-reflection and introspection -why i'm angry

Sorry, this won't be as funny as I usually am in my cynism, but I don't make you read.

At the moment I feel like a puppy begging for attention, it's disgusting.

'Hey, look at me! I'm right here! I'm good, I promise. Pet me, hug me, love me, be my friend!- Can I be your friend?I like you!'
I bet I'm even panting.

There are things I swore I'd never do again or let happen again in my life
and now I can't look at myself.

I have a problem with setting boundaries, even in school I was almost bipolar in my reactions:
a) you hurt me and I pretend nothing happens/you're not there/you didn't just say that while you keep going with more insults or ignorance and a 'friendly' smile on your face and I swallow my anger, my pain just to breakdown at home,
b) you hurt me and I jump in your face and try to break your nose and after a few seconds I push you away and walk away because I just scared myself.

When it would have been better to just give an  'until here and no further.' or simply ask 'what is wrong with you/or me/or the world that you are this way?' and get an honest answer.

I can't hit the line right. Or is it a whole grey area? For everyone else it seems such a big space full of possibilities, for me it's insult or get insulted or just shut the fuck up, get away and don't say anything to anyone or you'll explode into the first face that comes into view, whether friend or foe.

I just need a real hug and someone who cares for no other reason than they want to because I'm me.
Not an act.
No expectation that I can't reach or don't know how.
Just me.
And I give back, too! The minute I realise someone can 'see' me and it's OK with them I'm the lion on your team, am there whenever and however you need me, fight your fights with you.
I got hurt too many times to enjoy trickery now and expect it behind every corner until I feel safe enough to relax.

Since my first step on American soil my subconscious was on high alert, agitated, scared of getting lost and hoping for any new helping hand.
Hopes up, hopes crushed, hopes up, hopes crushed.
Burn your hand twice and you'll need gloves.

So I have my mask on.
'Hey, I'm so cool, I can make jokes out of my past hardships and no matter what you do or say to me (or not say), you can't hurt me, I'm awesome'
-meanwhile my self-image crumbles and I sit in a big puddle of mud and can't get out.
-But as long as no one can see it, it's alright, isn't it?

Isn't it.

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