Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Social Disorder i guess you call it

I have a real problem with social situations.
I get panicky, sometimes I hyperventilate. What to wear to be just right. what people are going to be there -how do I have to be? Do I have to watch my language? Do I have to be serious? Do I have to 'sell' myself because I need those people to like me? What role do I have to play?
I actually have categories!

Imitation is everything.
Facial expressions. Tone. Standard terms. Everything.
It feels like every time there are new people and/or new situations I get thrown into an unknown land or culture.
If i don't know what to do, how to react i just don't.
I stop. I feel most comfortable when watching in these situations. For me it's almost like bird watching.
What do they talk about, how do they talk, how do they act, are they the touchy sort, is everything strict, how do they eat, do they laugh out loud...
Yes, all that plays in my head and gets sorted and analysed.
I feel like Data trying to be more human, because if I'm just me I don't think people would like me.
After a while of knowing people I slowly slip more and more of myself into the act, but if I get hurt I shut down again or am angry -'how dare they trick me while I'm trying so hard?'
I calm down some when I start to get used to the people and get to know them.

I was the kid in class that stayed seated while everyone was running around. I picked games in kindergarten that didn't necessarily need other players just in case no one joined me. Which happened a lot.
I was weird from the beginning.
I swallowed books.I drew strange pictures with unicorns running away from evil monsters while everyone was drawing princesses.
I watched horror movies with my uncle in the middle of the night in my grandma's house (i was very little) and had the nightmares later at home with my family to deal with -every other kid would simply stop watching. I couldn't wait for my uncle to come home from the coal mine when i was there for the weekend.
With my cousin i almost blew up the house when we wanted to play 'plumbers' and tried to take the heating apart.
My grandpa gave me some wood and a knife when i was seven or eight, so i could make myself a sword and be She-ra or Red Sonja or the female Beast Master. We went to the mine waste and took apart rocks to find fossils or crystals so I could play witch and the crystals's make me strong.

Whenever something was 'forbidden' by grownups i wanted to find out why -how do you find out? You do it.but you have to be tricky to not get caught.

I wrote books I never showed to anyone, created new worlds with mutations and alien creatures and night hags and half-breeds(complete templates with race devotions and drawings and character sheets).

I only really played with other kids when we reenacted cartoons we liked because then I could imitate my favorite characters. I was Fireball, Michelangelo, Cheetara or Thirty-Thirty,
I still had no idea how to act around people if it was just me.
The more people the more shy I got.

That never changed.

I'm really bad with emotional stuff. What do you do, when people cry or are sad or just tell you something sad?
I can say 'ooooh, that's sad.' (genius, isn't it?)
or try to clumsily hug the person and wait for rejection although I'm usually the hugger (seems easier than the whole do-i-shake-their-hand-or-wave-goodbye-or-nod-or-what, a hug says I like you and am happy to be here or sad I have to go).
Then I try to fix the actualities.
Someone hurt you?-I can tell him he's an asshole, I can tell you why he's an asshole.
You have psychological problems, are a cutter, bulimic, an addict
-I can tell you that you need help and I can help you find help or drag you to a place if that's what you need (or if you are so far gone already, did that a couple of times).
But if someone's just sad? I could say 'don't be sad, let's eat ice-cream. do you want a puppy?'

I'm simply incapable of handling these things.I feel awkward, uncomfortable, hope that someone else is there who is able to do a better job. I'm a bad friend in this case. What is the right reaction here? Y results from X,  but if C interferes and is not part of the function, do you still do Y or have to find more variables?

The other way around is just as bad. I swallow my feelings. Sometimes I feel weird and it takes a couple of days for me to finally realise what wants to resurface and what that feeling actually is.
I don't know how to handle it.
Other people would simply reach out to a friend -I don't do that, what if no one comes? What if they see it as weak? I can't be weak.
What if I just need a hug and they think it's weird, reject me, make fun of me, think I take a pass or I make them uncomfortable? I wouldn't be able to look that person in the eyes anymore and hide from them and after a while try to pretend that nothing ever happened. Or make fun of the situation and myself before they do.
I'm rough, nothing can touch me. I'm grrrr.
I don't cry in front of people, I don't show fear, I rarely show love.

There are two people in the world I feel kinda OK to cry in front of, my sister and my husband because they both know I'm fucked up (you can't hide everything forever if someone knows you well or you live with them), but then I'd never tell them the whole truth about why I cried.
I always keep pieces hidden away. Sometimes it takes me weeks of pondering to find out myself why I did what I did.

So I'm usually passive, I react. If I act I wait for the world to crash down on me.

Lots of this has to do with my parents (careful, the home therapist comes out!).
I got love and attention from my mother if I deserved it.
Being grounded meant I had to stay in my room and no one was allowed to talk to me, not even my father, i had the plague for that time and if it was time for dinner a broom knocked on the ceiling (my room was in the attic), no words. Ever.
For my mother I didn't exist if I did something wrong. No talking it out.
If she hit me or screamed at me, it was to humiliate, usually in front of someone else. So I begged and I hated it.

My parents never had any real friends, so I was never shown how to be friends or get friends. There were my fathers coworkers and their wives and my mother picked one for a while until it got uncomfortable for her and she chose the next one. Maybe years later she got back to the first one. But it was always the others fault, never hers. She could never do wrong (*snort*).

If they fought it was WW3 and you better hid or you'd get hit by friendly fire (which wasn't so friendly after all). If you took sides you got punished later on:
How could you say something mean about Daddy when he's all good now? Evil brat! Now you're the enemy.

When my sister moved out because she had a falling out, her name didn't exist anymore. She got passed by in the city as if my mother didn't know her.
It took me a while to put my foot down and be allowed to visit her in her apartment over some weekends.

I loved my grandma, but for my mother she was the enemy.
Even now that I don't have contact to my parents anymore and am all grown up, my father is not allowed to see his own mother or has to lie to sneak into the funeral(!) of his own uncle.

But on the outside everything had to be perfect. I even had to comb the fringes on our rugs on my hands and knees when we got visitors. The new car had to be just right even if we didn't have enough money to buy it. The garden had to be perfect, so that the neighbours would be envious when we had our little BBQs.
Although my hair looked like a mixture of a Butch and a Pixie and everyone called me 'son' i had to wear a pink frilly dress on Sundays if we went out.
Everything for the neighbours. Pretence is everything.
Meanwhile plaster fell off the walls whenever they fought -and we lived in an apartment (the house held 4 condos), so everyone heard everything and to this day makes fun of my pretentious parents.

I hated the begging for love, I hated the pretend, I hated the fighting, i hated that I still loved them no matter what...but i didn't know what else was there.
In that way I'm jealous of my sister (she's 9years older) because she lived with my grandparents (mom's parents) for a while growing up and had a normal environment to learn the social stuff which I never had.

So I was scared of marriage (which just meant you wanted to kill each other on a regular basis but were stuck with that person), scared of love, scared of friends, jealous of others having friends, disgusted by pretence and never being able to be yourself...

There is so much more I could say, but I'll stop here. I already feel bad enough as is.
Let's say after I broke contact some years ago I slowly started to get better, but not as much as I'd hoped. Maybe I need a brainwash.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Self-reflection and introspection -why i'm angry

Sorry, this won't be as funny as I usually am in my cynism, but I don't make you read.

At the moment I feel like a puppy begging for attention, it's disgusting.

'Hey, look at me! I'm right here! I'm good, I promise. Pet me, hug me, love me, be my friend!- Can I be your friend?I like you!'
I bet I'm even panting.

There are things I swore I'd never do again or let happen again in my life
and now I can't look at myself.

I have a problem with setting boundaries, even in school I was almost bipolar in my reactions:
a) you hurt me and I pretend nothing happens/you're not there/you didn't just say that while you keep going with more insults or ignorance and a 'friendly' smile on your face and I swallow my anger, my pain just to breakdown at home,
b) you hurt me and I jump in your face and try to break your nose and after a few seconds I push you away and walk away because I just scared myself.

When it would have been better to just give an  'until here and no further.' or simply ask 'what is wrong with you/or me/or the world that you are this way?' and get an honest answer.

I can't hit the line right. Or is it a whole grey area? For everyone else it seems such a big space full of possibilities, for me it's insult or get insulted or just shut the fuck up, get away and don't say anything to anyone or you'll explode into the first face that comes into view, whether friend or foe.

I just need a real hug and someone who cares for no other reason than they want to because I'm me.
Not an act.
No expectation that I can't reach or don't know how.
Just me.
And I give back, too! The minute I realise someone can 'see' me and it's OK with them I'm the lion on your team, am there whenever and however you need me, fight your fights with you.
I got hurt too many times to enjoy trickery now and expect it behind every corner until I feel safe enough to relax.

Since my first step on American soil my subconscious was on high alert, agitated, scared of getting lost and hoping for any new helping hand.
Hopes up, hopes crushed, hopes up, hopes crushed.
Burn your hand twice and you'll need gloves.

So I have my mask on.
'Hey, I'm so cool, I can make jokes out of my past hardships and no matter what you do or say to me (or not say), you can't hurt me, I'm awesome'
-meanwhile my self-image crumbles and I sit in a big puddle of mud and can't get out.
-But as long as no one can see it, it's alright, isn't it?

Isn't it.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Guys and girls rant

Hey, America, why is it so hard to find guy friends here? I mean real male people that drink vodka, like and make crude jokes, enjoy great music&bang their heads (I mean, really? you guys are at a concert and stand there like idiots and clap at the end of a song like the japanese do?man, you must be frustrating for the bands cause in Europe the fun starts with a mosh pit somewhere on front, with bumping your neighbour while dancing and grr or laugh because you enjoy the fucking show! And believe it or not, you can dance next to a girl even if you don't want to take her home, the clubs would be empty if it wasn't so) , watch horror movies and laugh about them or laugh at you when you jump at every bump, that don't do the whole I'm-so-sensitive-and-pc-I-get-offended-by-the-blunt-truth-and-meaningless-jokes-bullshit just because you're a girl.

There's always the sex question, and maybe I think you're hot or you think I'm hot or both (or neither, but that's not the point here), but that doesn't mean you have to play the psycho game or just stay away as far as possible as if I had the plague, grow up for Gods' sake, say what you mean and get over it!
And trust me, I can control myself even if you think you're God's gift to women. You won't get ravished if you don't want to *wink*
(See what I did here? Omg, i made a joke! you probably wouldn't have noticed if I didn't put the *wink* at the end -and yes, this is sarcasm.)

Is it really either "I'm nice because I want to bang the chick" or "Not interested, so she doesn't deserve an iota of friendliness or attention cause I don't make a profit" and you probably think you do the other party a favor. -No, it's just your base and gutless way out.
Is it all black or white sociopathic consideration?
Do you think it's ok to ignore people standing next to you so they'll take 'the hint'
instead of just saying 'look, i don't have time right now, maybe later.'
See, it works without promises or insults or making the girl feel like you think of her as a piece of shit. Now that hint is understood and it's ok -as long as you don't have a mental patient in front of you.

In Europe I'm friends with guys I had sex with in the past, guys I could never have sex with and guys I'd bang and none of that matters in the way of friendship, of hanging out in clubs or at home, of -ooooh- touching or talking in public.

I've got too much estrogen around me wherever I go here -I'm not the person who can dabble in giving each other senseless compliments about skirts or the colors of each others eyes and shit and giggle to pass the time or talk about having kids and engagement rings (eeeeek! Maybe I'm the only girl who doesn't give a shit about diamonds and talking for hours about drooly toddlers and giving birth -soooo not happening. And no, I'm not, because the true girl-friends I have don't do it either, we moved out of Stepford before it got weird).
 If I like something on you, male or female, I can say 'dude, your piercings are sick', 'damn, chickie, you have a nice ass' etc and mean it -or don't say it at all.
-If you get insulted by a compliment you have a problem. If you have a problem with hearing me say something about somebody else ('that girl has huge boobs','that guy is really hot'), you should discuss it with your teenage ego instead of being offended ( do people here get offended as a hobby? they get offended by TV, by each others clothes, behavior that wasn't even directed at them; they try to tell people they should be offended by something they aren't offended by -we had that topic already).

-Why do I have to stand in the girls' corner and the guys can have the fun and banter? (I love partying in strip clubs with guys, drinking, dancing and rating the girls, but everyone seems so squeamish here, it's so hard to get a crew together *hint*)
I already break out in cold sweat before the party even started!
Do I have to play the part and watch myself and question every reaction and every word that comes out of my mouth?
It's really hard to find girls here who can stand up for themselves, can take blunt-no-girly-girl-kissy-face-talk and are nice.
Just because the high school cheerleaders were mean perfidious bitches doesn't mean you have to copy them when you're grown-up enough to drink.

So usually I think guys are easier to deal with because there's no drama, maybe I was wrong and it's just another kind of psychological warfare.

There are also these weird unofficial dating rules I heard about, you can find them on dating websites, in magazines and in girl and boy cliques -but that's for another time :)