Guys and girls rant

Hey, America, why is it so hard to find guy friends here? I mean real male people that drink vodka, like and make crude jokes, enjoy great music&bang their heads (I mean, really? you guys are at a concert and stand there like idiots and clap at the end of a song like the japanese do?man, you must be frustrating for the bands cause in Europe the fun starts with a mosh pit somewhere on front, with bumping your neighbour while dancing and grr or laugh because you enjoy the fucking show! And believe it or not, you can dance next to a girl even if you don't want to take her home, the clubs would be empty if it wasn't so) , watch horror movies and laugh about them or laugh at you when you jump at every bump, that don't do the whole I'm-so-sensitive-and-pc-I-get-offended-by-the-blunt-truth-and-meaningless-jokes-bullshit just because you're a girl.

There's always the sex question, and maybe I think you're hot or you think I'm hot or both (or neither, but that's not the point here), but that doesn't mean you have to play the psycho game or just stay away as far as possible as if I had the plague, grow up for Gods' sake, say what you mean and get over it!
And trust me, I can control myself even if you think you're God's gift to women. You won't get ravished if you don't want to *wink*
(See what I did here? Omg, i made a joke! you probably wouldn't have noticed if I didn't put the *wink* at the end -and yes, this is sarcasm.)

Is it really either "I'm nice because I want to bang the chick" or "Not interested, so she doesn't deserve an iota of friendliness or attention cause I don't make a profit" and you probably think you do the other party a favor. -No, it's just your base and gutless way out.
Is it all black or white sociopathic consideration?
Do you think it's ok to ignore people standing next to you so they'll take 'the hint'
instead of just saying 'look, i don't have time right now, maybe later.'
See, it works without promises or insults or making the girl feel like you think of her as a piece of shit. Now that hint is understood and it's ok -as long as you don't have a mental patient in front of you.

In Europe I'm friends with guys I had sex with in the past, guys I could never have sex with and guys I'd bang and none of that matters in the way of friendship, of hanging out in clubs or at home, of -ooooh- touching or talking in public.

I've got too much estrogen around me wherever I go here -I'm not the person who can dabble in giving each other senseless compliments about skirts or the colors of each others eyes and shit and giggle to pass the time or talk about having kids and engagement rings (eeeeek! Maybe I'm the only girl who doesn't give a shit about diamonds and talking for hours about drooly toddlers and giving birth -soooo not happening. And no, I'm not, because the true girl-friends I have don't do it either, we moved out of Stepford before it got weird).
 If I like something on you, male or female, I can say 'dude, your piercings are sick', 'damn, chickie, you have a nice ass' etc and mean it -or don't say it at all.
-If you get insulted by a compliment you have a problem. If you have a problem with hearing me say something about somebody else ('that girl has huge boobs','that guy is really hot'), you should discuss it with your teenage ego instead of being offended ( do people here get offended as a hobby? they get offended by TV, by each others clothes, behavior that wasn't even directed at them; they try to tell people they should be offended by something they aren't offended by -we had that topic already).

-Why do I have to stand in the girls' corner and the guys can have the fun and banter? (I love partying in strip clubs with guys, drinking, dancing and rating the girls, but everyone seems so squeamish here, it's so hard to get a crew together *hint*)
I already break out in cold sweat before the party even started!
Do I have to play the part and watch myself and question every reaction and every word that comes out of my mouth?
It's really hard to find girls here who can stand up for themselves, can take blunt-no-girly-girl-kissy-face-talk and are nice.
Just because the high school cheerleaders were mean perfidious bitches doesn't mean you have to copy them when you're grown-up enough to drink.
And 

So usually I think guys are easier to deal with because there's no drama, maybe I was wrong and it's just another kind of psychological warfare.

There are also these weird unofficial dating rules I heard about, you can find them on dating websites, in magazines and in girl and boy cliques -but that's for another time :)

How to be German in 25 easy steps -Part 3

So today we come to the last part of

how to be german in 25 easy steps -Part 3:

21. EAT GERMAN "BREAD"

Come on, to be fair you have to admit that your bread sucks.

I'm not one of these tree hugging organic people, but what Americans call bread is an insult. 

It's some kind of manipulated white tasteless flour stripped of all its nutrients, most of the time the second ingredient listed is high fructose corn syrup, rye bread doesn't taste of rye but of a ton of caraway -which is supposed to be a SPICE that lifts the bread taste not the other way around and -everything has the consistency of  stodgy pappy toast. No, worse than toast. you can compress a whole bread with your hands without much force to 1/4-1/3 of its original size.

-That's still not bothering you?

And no one feels bad about sending their young kids to school or kindergarden with double piece of junk with jelly and peanut butter in between -wait, carbs on top of carbs on top of carbs with no vitamins, minerals or anything that's worth eating as a full meal? Oh, yeah, that makes so much sense!

In Germany you get lots of bread options -toast, baguette, rough farmer's bread, hoagie bread, with seeds, without seeds, whole wheat, rye, mixed, white breads, pita bread...there's one thing they have in common: yeast/barm, no damn baking powdered mess. Be it sourdough, quick rise or whatever.

I was so disgusted by the American bread options -and trust me, I  tried them all for months and months (and putting salami or Leberwurst - no, you don't slice Leberwurst like salami, you take it our of the casing and spread it on your bread- on that sweet stuff was so hard, I started eating it with jam or Nutella only) I finally caved in and started baking my own bread.

So there, a German bread obsessed.

22. ALWAYS SEND FRIENDLY GREETINGS

I don't know what the fuss is about. I never got an English US email or letter without the standardized 'best regards', 'regards', 'sincerely' or 'yours faithfully', in German it's just 'MfG' or 'VG' or something like that.

-and don't tell me anything about being 'offending'!

It seems like in the US everybody has the hobby of telling other people what should or shouldn't offend them.

-blackface is a total no-no, but it's OK to paint yourself 'red' for the Mummers Parade to look like an American Indian?

-there was a complete tirade when the pixiwoo sisters (from UK) did a make-up review and used the term 'black skin' and even had to apologize for it. 

Amazingly, no people of 'dark' skin felt offended (I mean, when you're in Europe dark skinned people come from everywhere -Ghana, Namibia  South Africa, Holland, the US...there's no generalized term possible like 'African American' -and seriously, if I was from Nigeria and someone called me African American, then I'd be really offended!).

-even subcultural acts want to tell females to be offended by other bands' 'racist or misogynistic' cover and video art while the females would happily throw themselves unto the stage to perform with the band.

-Americans are offended by things that were said or things someone didn't say,  with every joke they ask a hundred questions just to make sure nothing was meant to offend them, the tone of your voice, your clothes...no matter what, they'll probably find something, so don't even try but take everything with a pinch of salt, please?

After I put my foot in my mouth a couple of times, I'd rather not say anything at all.

23. SAY TSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCHÜSSSSSSSSSSSS

It makes me feel so homesick, I just want to hear someone 'tschüss' again while I leave a store...

24. KNOW THE ANSWER IS TO BRING KARTOFFELSALAT

For me, BBQ was never about the meat, it's about condiments and salads.

Potato salad is a standard (although it depends on the area you come from what you put in your salad-my grandma always puts a diced apple in hers <3 and="and" i="i" it="it" like="like" most="most" nbsp="nbsp" not="not" people="people" s="s">that

 much work to put it together and bring to a party.

I have always been a pasta salad kind of girl - Nudelsalat is the best, I could make a huuuuuuge bowl and it'll be gone the next day, I could eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner and if it sat in fridge for a night it tastes even better than fresh.

If anyone is interested, I could post my recipe here.

I made it for a party in the states and it was gone so fast!

25. PROST!! 

Well, how do I explain this...

In medieval times everyone used to prost and clink their cups together as a sign of trust, so the drinks would mix a little as the liquid slops over and everyone was sure they weren't poisoned by anyone in the group.

Looking someone in the eyes while prosting was part of etiquette once, but not anymore.

Now we only do it in a group of friends at the pub or at a party as a joke:

'The one who doesn't look people in the eyes while prosting will have 7 years of bad sex'.

Another stupid drinking joke is:

whenever someone in your group burps, you have to raise your hand to your forehead with pinkie and thumb extended like this and yell 'Schulz!' -the last one to do this will get smacked on the forehead.

And that's the end of our list.

If you have any questions, traditions or sightings you want to me explain, feel free to comment!

Missed part 1&2?
http://hairandcultureshock.blogspot.com/2013/01/how-to-be-german-in-25-easy-steps-part-1.html

http://hairandcultureshock.blogspot.com/2013/01/how-to-be-german-in-25-easy-steps-part-2.html